Thus with months, years, coming and going I went to work ever more present but never at peace, eager but not zealous, happy but indifferent. It felt like a chase, with no end and no beginning. Life became more and more straightforward and I felt ever more unfulfilled.
And then came this "little something in me" that wanted and pleaded to get out. It felt like a spark in the middle of the night, leaving me restless but most peaceful than I have ever been in the many years past. For months I slept so late, woke up so early, with 4 hours of sleep in between if I'm lucky. But, I always felt alive; there was no instance whatsoever that I ever felt downtrodden by my thoughts. What dragged me though, was my day job. But the imaginings of what I want to do made me so eager to get to work early so I can also leave early.
Those few months of minimal sleep and restless thoughts all paid off eventually, ultimately because of this feeling of fulfilment that I've never experienced in my life. There is no grade, score, teacher, family, or friend's applause to give affirmation, other than the little kid within. Although times have been tougher than expected, and my idea of tough is continuously redefined as each day gets by, I am really happy and thankful. No more traffic jams to endure in the morning and at night; no one to control my time; no one to dictate as to when I can take leaves; no one to blindly tell me I should do this and not that because of company terms.
A continuous learning process, but a journey that I'd rather take with the beginning and the end all coming at peace. The best part? I choose to sway against standard enterprise terms. I choose to stay in the competition-- by competing with no one but myself.
At what cost? A lot of personal stuff. But is it ever worth it? Will special people in my life understand me?